Forget whatever story I wrote here last time because it was all lies and I made it up.
Except for the Tohseno Island part, I actually did blow that up with a chair-sized atom bomb, just not for the reasons I described in the story.
Anyway, I'm a liar and a deceitful man. As repentance or whatever, here's the actual story...
There I was, enjoying a decent-ish stroll through the dense, tropical jungles of northern France. I had a sword and I was cutting the vines and leaves to get through like every movie ever. That's why the natives were calling me 'la racaille du monde,' which means 'The Badass of the Jungle.'
I eventually came across some ancient temple. I looked at it and thought, "Wow, este es el argumento exacto de Wario Land 4," and proceeded to walk inside. The temple probably hadn't been touched in years but I went in anyway because I was following a certain someone's mindset of defiling things (or, in his case, people) I really shouldn't.
Inside the temple was a really big cat statue, like one of those Maneki-neko things with the little moving hand. It looked down at me and said, "Debes estar aquí para ver al dios mayor de este templo." Since it was speaking Spanish, I didn't really understand a word of what it was saying. "Hablo no español," I explained. "¿Habla árabe?"
"No," the cat said, its tone blunt and straightforward. "It's too hard to work with in the editor."
"Yeah, fair enough," I replied, seeing the inanimate object's point. "Can we at least go back to speaking Spanish or something?"
The cat moved its eyes up and down to represent a nod. "Si eso es lo que quieres."
A moment of awkward silence passed, neither of us really knowing what to say.
"Entonces..." I began, looking up to meet the Maneki-neko's gaze. "¿De qué anciano dios hablabas?"
The cat's eyes lit up, as if that were the most important question it'd ever been asked in its life. "¡Sí, el dios mayor!" the cat exclaimed, sounding rather happy despite its completely neutral expression. "Él gobierna este templo. Los visitantes vienen de todo el mundo para conocerlo."
"¿Has reconsiderado reunirte con él?" it asked, looking down at me with what I assumed was hope in its eyes.
"Supongo," I mused, shrugging my shoulders. "No hay mucho más que hacer aquí."
With that, the Maneki-neko gestured to the right with its eyes. Upon looking at where was gestured, I spot a lone door. Unlike the old, decrepit, moss-covered architecture of the temple, this was just a plain-ass wooden door.
"¿Se ha quedado sin presupuesto o algo así?" I joked, but the cat just looked at me with eyes that said, "Ni siquiera sabes cómo empieza."
With that, I bid the cat an emotional, tear-filled farewell and took myself through the aforementioned plain-ass door.
Through the door was darkness - plain and simple. I unsheathed my sword and began swinging it around in an attempt to cut through the darkness. It didn't fucking work, obviously.
After a while of bumbling through the dark, I nearly tripped over something on the floor. Taking the time to examine whatever object had the nerve to be in my way, I saw that it was a shopping bag from a place called "Lóbulo Izquierdo."
I picked up the bag and looked inside to see twelve or so copies of Duke Nukem 3D.
"Maldita sea, me encanta este juego," I think to myself. I grabbed one of the copies and stuffed it into my pocket, mourning the loss of what could've been. I bumbled through the darkness until I happened across another door.
But before I even got a chance to open the thing, who else but Barack Obama teleported in front of me. Out of pure instinct and fear alone, I offer him the copy of Duke Nukem 3D and plead for my very life.
" WORK IN PROGRESS GO AWAY!!!SCREW YOU ARIANNA...